I ran into a post on Facebook, during one of those times when you’re mindlessly scrolling, one sentence REALLY stuck out to me. “Admitting to yourself that you don’t like or care for someone, doesn’t mean you are not kind.” It was really a gut punch for me. I spent most of my early twenties and as upsetting as it is to admit, some of my mid to later twenties, giving second and third and fourth chances to people and always trying to look for the “positive” in them. That’s not a bad quality but there comes a point where it turns toxic to allow your mind to always find the best in people. Admitting you don’t like someone or that someone just exhausts you or messes with your vibes, means that you value your own time and energy.
“When we agree to let ourselves down in favor of supporting the bad behavior of others, it often stems from the same impulse. We’re unwilling to make another people more uncomfortable than they just made us.”
In this post, the OP discusses her being criticized for asking who else is invited or who else will be at a function, before agreeing to go. She follows up with “it’s refreshing to admit, ya know, I don’t care for that person so no, I don’t want them in my inner circle or even in the outer layer of my inner circle.”
It took me a long time but admitting I have no energy for forced friendships or interactions IS A-OKAY. People who are about as fake as Lizzo’s nails, people who aren’t there to build you up, those who don’t care or want you to succeed, those who can’t wait to run home and talk shit to their spouse about how much weight you’ve gained or how much better you’re doing than they are. Kick those MF’s to the curb. That friend of a friend who gives you bad vibes when you go out, that friend from high school who is just as shitty as they used to be, that annoying co-worker who is constantly trying to find ways to throw you under the bus. The people who think it’s “cool” to be uncaring and detached.
The thing is, you can dislike someone that you have known for 5 seconds, 5 minutes or 5 or 15 years. We are not awful people because we are selfish with our time. I will never apologize for setting, guarding and respecting my boundaries. Sometimes it’s hard, sometimes you are put in a situation where you’re with people who you don’t care for, it happens and you have to deal. I’m talking about the times when we are able to choose. I’ve said it before and I will say it again, you are a reflection of who you keep close to you. Those people who you invest your time, energy and trust in, shape who you are.
Over the past couple years, I’ve been feeling like I’ve become more introverted. I was like man, must be this aging thing- making me more anxious and less people-y. While that may be true, subconsciously and intentionally, I have let that part of me go that tried to please everyone. That part of me that felt like I always had to say yes, I always had to forgive, I always had to be the bigger person, that I always had to give the benefit of the doubt. No, just no. Relationships should not be one sided, they should not be tumultuous, they should not be filled with distrust or judgement. You should not feel like shit after spending time with someone and you should not feel obligated to spend time with someone based on whatever “role” they play in your life. Family, childhood friend, no one deserves an automatic spot in your life. It is earned. You are empowered to choose who gets those coveted spots in your life. We’re all busy with life, families, kids, pets, extra curricular’s (Disney + as of late), so be selfish with your time and energy.
This is not to say situations can’t change and people can’t make amends. Just be wise about the authenticity and sincerity of those people. Stay safe out there friends, it’s a dog eat dog world.